Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Thanking My Lucky Stars

I had this image etched onto Declan's
in honour of my four taken babies.
I felt like I was starting to go crazy in the weeks leading up to me returning to work. My head was spinning, I was doing things that made no sense (caught myself putting a clean pot away in the fridge instead of the cupboard!) I forgot to pick up a good friend one day when we had plans and I was starting to not know the day of the week unless I looked it up on my iPhone. The numbness was starting to wear and I felt overcome with guilt. I was considering seeing someone, a grief counsellor but really felt like that wasn't the answer. They would only tell me something they learned from a text book and that wasn't for me. Then while browsing on social media, I came across a photo that led to where I am now.

A friend posted a picture on Facebook of a Caulbearer Baby born still in the sac with the amniotic fluid and placenta intact. It's very rare this happens; one website said once in every eight hundred thousand births. The doctor told me it's uncommon when I delivered Declan in that state ..but my mind was so distorted by my broken heart and I didn't quite understand what that really meant. It seems these babies are teachers of a higher learning, destined for greatness. After reading more about it I decided to see a Psychic. And my visit to her was life changing.
Once she had validated some truths that would be very big guesses if she wasn't truly connected, I bought into what she wanted to tell me and she told me this:

Sometimes we think the Universe is a cruel place but we humans accidentally make it out to be that way. The Universe only wants for us what is meant for us and through our misunderstandings we think it is out to get us sometimes. She said I wasn't meant to look after a crippled child for the rest of my life (she said crippled, not weak heart or any of the other number of reasons a baby is stillborn.. she said crippled which is in line with our dealings of positive Spina Bifida results leading up to his death) She said she sees guilt weighing on me because I have misunderstood my feelings from the start. She said I feel guilt as a result of looking back at how I reacted when I first realized I was expecting. She said she knows this was a surprise pregnancy and I acted in a way that I'm ashamed of now; in a way that was not typically me at all ..but that I need to see it as it really is which is Extreme Intuition. She told me I'm very connected and I actually knew what I didn't know I knew at that time. I knew I was heading into a storm and that this was going to happen so it was my way of guarding myself in the moment. It was my way of preparing myself for what was to come so I could be strong around everyone I needed to be strong around. She said Declan knows I love him, he knows I hoped as hard as I could even though I knew that energy used in doing so would not change the outcome. But out of love I tried it. She said he will be returned to me in this lifetime; probably through the form of a grandchild. She said she sees four stars above my right shoulder. Each of the other two psychics I've seen in my life have always commented on the star or stars in the same spot; the number they have given each time was representative of the number of miscarriages I had experienced at that point in time interestingly enough. All being said, her message to me was I need to just see it as it really was; a guard resulting from intuition and I have no reason to feel guilty for being so connected; in fact it's a gift and it is not meant to burden me..

I really feel in my soul that my caulbearer baby directed me to this woman to receive this message. I'm not sure if anyone else really understands what that message means but if you've experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth it may give you some insight to changing the way you interpret what you think you feel and it will make a difference to your well being. This message saved me from losing my mind, from being guilt ridden my whole life and has lifted off a tremendous weight. I still feel sad all of the time, I still wonder where I'd be now if I were still carrying him and how things would look going forward. I'm sad for the visions of our future that are lost and I'm sad because I miss being pregnant, feeling him flutter inside. I'm still very sad. I'll always be sad. But I honestly feel freed from the guilt. And I think I have my four Lucky Stars above my right shoulder to thank for that.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Universe At It's Cruelest

The father with the frozen heart in this video represents the universe at it's cruelest to me; when it uses it's forces to take our children from us.. And although I'm grateful for the children I have, wonder and fear, guilt and sadness will always linger after the losses.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

She Remembers

Just an hour ago I received an e card from a group called Angel Moms recognizing that today is the day in 2008 I experienced my third miscarriage. It's taken me almost a full hour to pull myself out of the sadness that surrounds that. I was at my twelve week ultrasound when the tech told us our baby's heartbeat was still. I think about that baby when I see other children who are the same age as my baby would be. I have a friend who had her son on my due date and when she posts pictures I imagine what our angel looks like and grieve for all the milestones we're missing out on with him or her. This all happens silently because everyone else believes you'd simply move on by now after losing a baby and I assume has forgotten. But a grieving mommy doesn't move on and doesn't forget. You just get quiet on how you deal with it.

Shortly after pulling myself away from staring at the card I received this text from my long time friend Nancy. Something this simple is so very profound to me. A boost of power has been shot into my spirit because of her message. She remembers my baby.. and thats a big deal :)

Monday, February 11, 2013

To Be A Man In Grief

Most nights I see the four o'clock hour and every thought that was suppressed in my mind throughout the day surfaces. It's my Witching Hour. There's so much I can't make sense of and my soul finds no rest. I try to be still about it but almost every time I feel my husbands arm wrap around me and he does what he can to settle me. He's had to withstand this just about every night since we lost Declan. Now that the numbing is wearing off and reality is setting in, our hearts have never felt more broken. I throw up out of upset at the most unexpected times. I feel like I'm in a constant daze, I forget things that I shouldn't, put things where they don't belong, write crazy person blog posts that only other moms who have lost their babies can relate to.. It has only just occurred to me that if I feel this way, Chris might too. It's obvious he's changed because of all of this but I've never asked him just how he copes day to day at work and outside of the house, and what he does to fake it. He'd never want to admit that he struggles but I feel him suffering in those 4AM moments. I wonder how much energy it takes to be that brave everyday and admire him for it. I worry about him although I love him even more for being there during my Witching Hour when I need him most.

I came across this poem and it makes me think of Chris.

Written by Eileen Knight Hagemeister
to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave ~
He lost his baby too. . .

Sunday, February 10, 2013

We Will Remember You

I had this poem read during Declan's graveside blessing.

The world may never notice
If a rosebud doesn't bloom
Or even pause to wonder
if the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be
Touches the World in some small way
For all eternity.
The little ones we longed for
Were swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do
Every beating of my heart says
"We will remember You"
~Author Unknown

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Bringing Balance To My Being

I believe everyone has an energy about them. I believe every thing in the Universe is made up of energy. It surrounds us. It can flow through us giving us a lift. It can escape us and make us feel low. And I believe good energy is infused with love. Sometimes you have to give more than you receive, sometimes you get more than you give but it goes back and forth refreshing your soul with a constant balanced flow. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my children and my husband that I love them. I'm drawn to their energies and feed off their glow.

They say that tragedy brings family closer together and I think that might be because we are stilled in those times. The chaos of energies comes to a halt allowing us to grieve. The people who love you hearts will fill naturally with compassion, surround you with warmth and feed you the healing energies you need to get through the process. As you begin to feel better those healing energies pick up the pace little by little and merge back into the good energy flow that is typical of a content soul. In the times of helplessness it's visible who is really there for you; who really cares. These are the people you want to give back to. It's a cycle of unconditional love and is more powerful than any medication could ever heal me. It's human nature at it's finest.

The only flaw to the process is when you learn some of the love in that cycle is actually conditional by someone you're depending on to draw from. Conditional in the sense that they are family, a part of your life, but not your energy flow. It's ok to include them in your life's routines but to expect to hear an I Love You spoken aloud may be crossing the comfort line for these people. Both my mother and sister have never been more absent in my life than they have been in the weeks surrounding the loss of my son. My sister has never acknowledged Declan's passing. These were two beings I assumed because they are family would offer a flow of uplift while we were at our weakest; but instead turned their backs in our time of need. I've often thought to myself if I can get through these circumstances without them then what do I really need them for? ..until I found meaning in it all.

Unconditional love should flow naturally through us but if there are too many negative energies filling someones being then it would block that flow. Misinterpretations, not knowing how to handle situations, selfishness and feeling overwhelmed can create such negativity and blockages in our spirit. Negative energy is heavier than positive energy. We know this, we feel this. So in understanding this, how could I possibly expect such persons to be able to give what they simply do not have? Why have I never understood it like this before, because nothing has changed; it's always been this way. Why did I expect it to be different when I lost my son?! These woman are my blood, but love is not drawn from blood..
I'm fortunate to be gifted with these awarenesses for if I wasn't it would be a shame for how sad life might seem in these times. Instead of of taking their abandonment personally I can wrap some understanding around it and be grateful that I can see it in this way. It makes my life less complicated and I feel an infinite sense of appreciation for those who choose to be a part of it. Those who chose to not take part in my healing process are still seen in my life, but just disconnected from the flow which is unfortunate for them as they cannot benefit from the power this energy cycle can offer them. I could choose to feel alienated by them but instead I forgive out of pity for what they have missed out on. There are plenty of people surrounding me to pick me up when I fall. And I love them back for it, keeping the cycle flowing with all the love infused energy I need to un-still me, make my inner light shine again ..and bring balance to my being.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

How I Wonder Where You Are

As a part of the graveside blessing, the reverend spoke about 'stars' and Declan being among them. I was numb that day and can't remember many details but I remember the talk about stars vividly. She quoted the lines "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder Where You Are" and talked about the loss we must feel now that the vision of having him in our lives has changed. After the service some of my best, lifelong girlfriends took me aside and gave me a Swarovski Star ornament, unknowing at the time they bought it that a star would be most significant for that day. Since then, I've noticed more star shaped objects than I ever have before (pottery, magnets, soaps, key chains.. they're everywhere) and today I stumbled across this song Stars by Grace Potter. It was playing on the radio as I pulled into my driveway and it drew me in. I couldn't get out of my car until it was over. I downloaded it right away and over the course of the evening, along with a few glasses of wine, have listened to it a dozen times or more. It speaks to my broken heart.

Take What You Need

Not environmental I know but still I'd love to see these flyers posted everywhere in place of the ads that are in our faces on every streetlight in the city :)

Ladies Love Cool James

He's too beautiful in this picture to not share it. You're welcome.

About Me

My photo
Life-long Vegetarian and proud to be Canadian. Really, I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint (I do not feel ashamed) I'm your hell, I'm your dream (I'm nothing in between) You know, I wouldn't want it any other way..... (I'd like to think that song was written about me! lol)