Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Amazing Grace -Sinead O'Connor

For the most part I visit Declan's site in good spirit. It's not a place I always associate with sadness; it's somewhere I go to for comfort, re-energizing and to maintain balance within my being. This morning at the cemetery I watched a couple walk around the grounds with the graveyard administrative person, selecting a plot. The man from the office had his clipboard and his map in hand and pointed to certain locations; the same way he did when he walked us around to choose Declan's place of rest. It's the first time I've seen that man since that day and the sight of him reminded me of what strength it took for us to do that. The conversations about the planning came flooding back, the sadness that surrounded us at that time and the fear of what was to come hit me all over again when I saw that man and his map. And those memories began to weaken me today.
But something distracted me from the upset, something intriguing. I swear, in the far distance I could hear the bagpipes playing Amazing Grace, just as we had the piper play at the finale of Declan's funeral. The song seemed to fade in and out but it was playing and I don't think it was just in my head. There must have been someone in one of the nearby fields practising. Regardless, it had a stilling effect and made it's presence at the most opportune time, reminding me to stay focussed on what I've learned through all of this. Everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences in life. But there are messages within all of these encounters for us to recognize, accept and act upon. I left with a sense of balance in my spirit once again. I believe Amazing Grace was a message today and the sweet sound saved a wretch like me..

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

International Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day -October 15th

I've posted this video before and shed some light in a post on why stars are so significant to me in relation to the loss of my babies. Today, October 15th is International Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day and although I don't need a specific day to acknowledge what I think about daily, it's an odd sort of comfort to know I'm not the only one in the world who feels how I do about missing our angel babies.

A lot had happened in the months since Declan was due. Two of my closest friends have had babies and one more is soon too. The babies are precious and I feel a love for them as I did with all the other babies we've had born into the group. The lump in my throat that I have when I'm around these girls is nothing to do with them as such but as a result of the situation. Seeing their babies so close in age and hearing them talk about what they've ordered on Etsy to decorate the nurseries is literally heart wrenching to listen to. The back and forth stories about how easy their births were makes me want to scream a reminder that only months ago, after a fifteen hour night of labour my son was born with a still heart. And although I had been told to expect that, I never once in all those hours gave up hope that I'd hear him cry at the end of it all. But he didn't cry. And talking about labour brings all those memories to the surface. It's really all too raw to be faking it like this but it's also too wrong to ask them to refrain from topics in which their whole life is absorbed in at the moment. The same emotions could possibly be felt by the one who lost her mom years ago when we speak of our mothers. Same could be said for the one who lost her brother when we talk about our siblings among the group. These woman are my lifelong friends and I love them dearly. They supported me when I was at my weakest and I need to let them bask in the glory they deserve now.

I think having this day as an international awareness has allowed me to be ok with still not being ok. Instead of cleaning my house or running the errands I originally had planned today, I gave in to the draw of a visit to the cemetery and spent it laying in the leaves by the grave stone thinking about what would have been. I will do what you're supposed to do to take part in sharing in our losses. I will watch for the CN Tower and Niagara Falls to light up in Pink and Blue in honour of all angel babies. I'll take part in the Global Wave of Light by lighting a candle at 7pm this evening alongside fellow grieving parents of the world. But I can't imagine having spent this Autumn afternoon doing anything more therapeutic than being there alone with my four little Stars.

About Me

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Life-long Vegetarian and proud to be Canadian. Really, I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint (I do not feel ashamed) I'm your hell, I'm your dream (I'm nothing in between) You know, I wouldn't want it any other way..... (I'd like to think that song was written about me! lol)